Where did you get a picture of my penis
She said her name was "party"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
