Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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