That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
