so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
