im about as happy as oj after his trial
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
