20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize