Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't put those talents on a resume
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
