I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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