she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
