Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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