So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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