____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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