You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
