Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
