we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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