He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
