I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You pole danced in your parka.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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