i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
