We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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