Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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