my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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