CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
