I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
