Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize