I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
