4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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