I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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