You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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