I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
