I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
