Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
