my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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