D3 body, D1 cock
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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