i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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