your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
