Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
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It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.