Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.