Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
