everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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