He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!