Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
