I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need a beard to bite.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
