thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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