Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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