apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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