When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
