I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
