obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
