He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
