everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Blood and glitter go together right?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
