I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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