Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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