if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
