1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
