The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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