"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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