If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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