im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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