Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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