You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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