At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
