Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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