Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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