my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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