So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
