I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
